Perhaps connecting through ideas is over-rated.
This may sound almost sacrilegious or insane. Surely the whole of civilisation rests on ideas? Ideas having sex, etc etc.
And don’t get me wrong, I get as excited by new ideas as the next man, so I’m not pointing the finger at anyone in particular here.
But we often don’t notice what happens when we advocate ideas strongly. Or when we evaluate our conversations and meetings solely on the basis of whether some new idea occurred to us. People advocating ideas easily and unwittingly generate resistance. People hungry for ideas often come across as impatient and intolerant.
The insistence on new ideas in meetings can lead to a lot of ritualised writing of post-it notes that the next day, everyone has forgotten.
I have always loved the idea*, espoused by Robin Dunbar, that language emerged as an extension of grooming. You know, the stuff apes do, stroking each other. I often wonder, when people are passionately espousing ideas, how this feels as a bit of grooming. My thought: Often, more like a poke with a stick than having your long, blond tresses lovingly brushed.
We’re so caught up in our ideas that we forget our, and others’ humanity and vulnerability. I know I do.
And there’s often a vicious circle in which ideas beget ideas, which seems on one level to be highly sparky and creative. But on another, becomes more and more insensitive and disconnected. Quite a lot of people with severe mental distress are those with a huge flow of ideas, so many ideas that they’ve lost touch with the world completely.
It’s why I like, when I can, to try to slow things down, and use a more reflective process. Which often feels very scary, rather like the stress we feel in rapid deceleration. I have found some of the most satisfying moments in conversations happen in the space that opens when we interrupt the rapid exchanges of ideas and sit with the discomfort that may follow.
And, paradoxically, some of the better ideas happen when we have stopped looking for them or insisting on them.
* Yes, I get the irony
(More stuff on this theme)